NPR is all in pledge mode now and I feel so guilty every morning as I listen and yet don't pledge. I owe them, really, as they rescue me every morning when I drag ass out of bed and furiously stab at the remote to escape the grim visage of Lynne White, or John Muller, or, God help us all, CHURCHY which greets me due to the fact that I always fall asleep with the TV on (my kingdom for a TV with the Sleep function!) tuned to WB11 whose 11pm to 12:30 trifecta of syndicated sitcoms has been my adult bedtime story for years. Nowadays it's Friends at 11 followed by Everyone Loves Raymond then Will & Grace. I don't often make it as far as W&G, usually falling asleep during some screechy/whiny Rayfest so it's fitting albeit horrible to wake up to yet more screechy whining courtesy of the WB morning "news" crew. So I shut it straight off and tune the Hello Kitty boombox to the soothing sounds of Soterios Johnson, which this morning weren't so much "soothing" as they were scandalous. Or was I the only Beavis who snickered at the description of the free with your pledge of blah dollars umbrella: "It opens wide but packs tight"?
I think I'm hearing innuendo everywhere due to my new status as Hott Fox. Seriously, I am a magnet, creepy guys are my iron filings. Ankabuki was in town last weekend and because we love her so much K-dub and I ventured into the Yukon Territory aka Queens to celebrate her birthday at a party some folks were having. I could go into how much the G train is a shitass bitch and the MTA is a bunch of cockfarmers who can't tell time, but that pretty much is all you need to know. The party itself was more fun than us old folk expected, with much dancing, dirty and otherwise, marred only by the lack of my current bootyshaker, "In Da Club". Anyway, the magnet part. I tried to take a cab home but the guy I flagged down told me the BQE was a parking lot and I was drunkish and not in the mood to fight and who knows, he could even have been telling the truth. So I picked up some magazines (Jane and Bust, this will come into play later) and headed for the train.
As I had rudely discovered on my way TO Astoria, the G wasn't running all the way there so I had to take the E to somewhere and change. As I was waiting this guy asked me some question about the train and then he got on the E with me when it arrived. I didn't notice anything else, as I was reading Bust and trying to remember which stop it was to transfer to the G. When we got to Court Square I got off, which turned out to be a mistake, and the guy got off too. He came up next to me as I headed for the bench and asked if he could ask me a personal question. Had I been sober this is where the red flags would have been thrown. Instead I'm like yeah, whatever. And he asks me if I'm a lesbian. Best. pickup line. ever. Seriously, dude, what? And why does he ask? Yup, because of Bust magazine. Whatev. But I let him keep talking to me, as we wait and wait, for the G that will never come. Finally I realize my error and get on the next E that arrives and it is the next stop that is the one I need. And Juan, 25, from Jersey City asks for my number before I leave the train.
Finally I reach the mythical G and even get on going the right way but then the motherfucker stops, I dunno, somewhere that's not Smith and 9th, and I have to switch AGAIN. So I'm running toward where I think the train is and I heard the DOO doo door closey chime and I'm so tired and when I get downstairs the doors are in fact closed, but lo! A conductor is heading toward one and maybe I can beg to be let on. But I'm in luck finally and he is just now readying the train to depart and his fellow conductor hails me with a "You got time, you got time". I checked this time, does this go to Smith and 9th? And lightning strikes twice baby, as Fellow Conductor says "Sure does, but you should wait and take my train, the one right after this. You got a boyfriend?" And he asked for my number too. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't, for a split second, cross my mind "Hey, I could ride up in the front of the train!" Rudy would be so jealous.
White hot, baby, white hot.