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i sing of beth

It always comes back to the Two-Thirds Theory: that of the three major areas of life (Work, Home, Relationships) you're doing alright if you're happy with one of the areas, you're doing great if you're happy with two and you're a goddamn winner at the game of life if you hit the trifecta of happiness.

With all apologies for excess schmoopery, I will say that things in the Relationships area are going extremely well. I'm so excited that Chris and I are engaged and even though wedding planning seems at times to be a series of painful obstacles to overcome, I could almost literally not be happier. I can't believe I found him and that someone so breathtakingly amazing could love me even half as much as I love him. My one regret is that we took so long to meet, spending practically a decade spinning around in the outer rings of not one but several Venn diagrams of friends and acquaintances.

Our apartment doesn't come as close to joyous perfection as all that, although I do feel something similar about our neighborhood. Being able to pop around the corner for thick, meaty pork chops from Faicco's then delicious cheeses from Murray's (cheddar gritty with salty crystals or soft and pungent blues) and fresh baked bread from Amy's? It's altogether too precious and TV-shorthand New York but I don't talk about grocery shopping like this in real life (and, if I did, the mouthwatering breads and cheeses would surely drown me out).

And then there is Work. I have always had a problem with work, and the part it does and should play in my life. When something goes wrong as often as it does in one area you have to start looking for the source of the problem. I think I have decided the problem is me. I am often a bitch. I'm extremely stubborn. I get frustrated with things I have no control over. I have learned that I am not lazy as I have sometimes feared, but I have an irrational (in the workplace) need for things to make sense, to be purposeful, to be done the right way and I have trouble letting go. These things are all true.

But worst of all, if I am 100% truthful with myself (and you, dear reader) I don't think I'm going to change. Not that I am incapable of change, but that I lack the desire to change. Like anyone else who isn't a complete psychopath, I want to be a good person. I want to act kindly and respectfully to others. But, like Olaf, there is some shit I will not eat.

I don't think that I am brave like blond Olaf. This is not some manifesto of the wrongly aggrieved. I know I am often in the wrong and my whole life I've been striving to be a better, kinder, more tolerant, calm, centered person and not just because that's what society or God or my mom thought I should do. It's what I thought I should do and wanted to do. I may feel that way again tomorrow, but today I just don't care. This is how I am and right now, I'm fine with that.

Posted by beth at May 19, 2008 05:10 PM